Coping with change

It’s one of the inevitable realities of life, completely unavoidable and something that scares more of us than not. It’s been the subject of endless movies, books, plays and let’s not forget its critical role in human history. In fact, one of the few constants we have in our lives, is the certainty of change. There is a well- known saying that life is ‘10% of what happens and 90% of how you react to it,’ and for many of us, that holds true. However, by applying some simple but effective strategies to the process of coping with change, we can effectively manage that challenging 90% of life. 

It helps to begin with the understanding that our brains are very effective at keeping things as they are, which means a couple of things:

1. It’s perfectly normal to experience stress and anxiety about the idea of change –even when it’s something positive like commencing a new job or starting a family. Whether it’s good or bad change, it can still be disruptive. 
2. It’s important to acknowledge the ability to change behavior is a very big (but not impossible) challenge. Like any skill, we need to keep working away at it.

While we face elements of change almost on a daily basis in all aspects of our lives, not all change brings feelings of stress and anxiety. Below is a list of areas that many of us find challenging and may experience difficulty in coping:

• Employment - a new job, loss of a job, promotion, relocation, overtime, change of hours, shift work 
• Family changes -  welcoming a new baby, dealing with teenagers, children leaving home
• Home - buying a home, moving home, changes in home costs, renovating
• Relationships - beginning, changing and ending a relationship, managing conflict
• Eldercare - directly caring for elderly parents or supporting them in a care environment
• Life stages - starting university, starting work, becoming a parent, transitioning to retirement, health issues
• Grief and loss - the loss of a loved one, supporting others through loss, the loss of memories and valuable possessions

While we are all different, generally there are three basic ways most of us react to change like the scenarios outlined above:

Do Nothing 

In some ways, this can be interpreted as denying that change is even happening. And by choosing to ignore things, we know it usually makes matter worse, ultimately leading to even greater feelings of stress and anxiety with new negative emotions added to the mix such as guilt, dread and a feeling of losing control.

React

A reactive approach is often the result of making a decision too quickly. We’re not thinking things through. It’s a knee-jerk response that doesn’t allow for calm, rational thought and where appropriate, research and discussion. By being reactive we’re looking for a quick fix solution to the stress and anxiety we’re experiencing at the idea of change. The certainties and uncertainties of any situation require contemplation and thought – omit this necessary component from the process and it’s likely the reaction, while possibly a short-term fix, will have long-term negative ramifications. 

Proactive and Positive

The first of many good things to come from this approach is a sense of control about the situation. Once that sense of control is present, the stress and anxiety will begin to shift into a more ‘I can manage’ mindset. It doesn’t mean things won’t be challenging – but it is an acknowledgement that we can and will do this.  And it’s this response that we’re going to focus our strategies for coping on.
 

Proactive and Positive Responses to Change

Acceptance of the situation

Put simply, ‘it is what it is.’ This is an acknowledgement that change can’t be stopped – but by accepting it, we’re taking a powerful first step towards coping.

Own the emotion

It’s ok to feel it. Angry, sad, regretful, excited, nervous and even guilt-free. There are no rules about what emotions people should or shouldn’t feel – the important thing is to keep moving through the feelings. Some of us deny an appropriate emotional response to change in the belief that it is a show of strength. The negative outcome of this is that by bottling those emotions up, eventually things will likely boil over. An overwhelming sense of sadness is a perfectly legitimate response to loss. The most important thing is to not get stuck in a state of emotional inertia. 

Find the positive

While this is certainly challenging, often, a positive outcome of change is personal development and growth, no matter what the scenario because an output of change is perception – the ability to see things differently through experience. This is a place to start – a single, small positive. And once we find one positive element of change, it will be easier to find others. 

Keep moving one step at a time

By (often unconsciously) setting ourselves the goal of just moving through it, we are already looking ahead. We may not realise it, but by choosing to be proactive in our response to change, we are setting ourselves a goal that is achievable – and that’s called coping. 

These techniques make up a framework to help you apply to the idea of change. Of course, the list of coping mechanisms is far more exhaustive than what we have identified here – people use a number of techniques, from humour to meditation practices or physical activity. The point is, we need to look after ourselves when facing life’s challenges, to be in the best possible mindset to cope. What works for one person, may not be the right fit for another – but by choosing to take a proactive and positive approach, already we are on our way to a manageable future.